Babies

Words & Photography
by Jess Strausbaugh



I managed to capture Shepard's baby face when he didn't know that I was taking his picture and he was getting sleepy.

My grandma asked me on Sunday if we were going to have any more babies, she said she was surprised I wasn't pregnant now since Baya is past one. (I didn't mind my Grandma asking, it felt refreshing that she was comfortable enough to ask me such a personal question, and I felt she was hopeful). I told her the truth, that I want to have another baby, but I'm not ready yet.

I told her the truth, that I want to have another baby, but I'm not ready yet.

There are a few things that make me not ready: we were out of room before Baya was born in Brad's vehicle, and so we have become a one car family when we all go anywhere - my car. But, we are now at maximum capacity in my vehicle and so another baby means a very serious financial consideration right off the bat. We could make our current vehicles work but we could never all go anywhere as a family in one car if we didn't buy something else, and that feels sad to me. But, I like my car, and it's paid off.

Secondly, pregnancy has always been really hard on me - I get very sick, then I have lots of pain, then I gain a lot of extra weight. All of this is less and less manageable the more kids I have at home to continue caring for, because I can't take time to just focus on myself and my needs.

Third, I love being a mom of five but there are days I feel completely overwhelmed and they scare me because there's no going back, there is only pushing through and all of my life I've been anxious of feeling trapped (from elevators to life) and I've been one to run (from hard times, jobs). These aren't qualities I'm proud of, but they are the truth.

I'm not ready to say the end is five - declaring such a final statement is too much for me. I may have five more.

And then there's the other truth that a next baby will eventually grow up and I'll be ready for a next baby. I now believe I'll always feel that desire to have another. I felt it months ago, I feel it now, I don't think I'll ever not feel it. And there has to be an end. I'm not ready to say the end is five - declaring such a final statement is too much for me. I may have five more. I look up so highly to mothers of large crews who do it well. I just lose confidence in myself along the way, the ebb and flow of life.

Motherhood.