Words & Photography
by
Clarissa Esquivel
And to think we are in the very last stretch of nursing. Wow! Ten months of breastfeeding Zeke, and, yet, I wish I could say it has been wonderful. But the honest truth is, I really just want my body back. Does that make me sound selfish and ungrateful? I’m sure some of you may think so.
If you think about it, how awesome is it that I was able to feed my baby this liquid gold that my body has created? I think back to all the special moments we have shared together, just us two, and also knowing that mama is his safe haven, and nothing and no one can comfort him as well as I do. Yes, all of that is great...
But then there are the moments we don’t like to talk about. The moments where I leave the baby with Dad and not even two hours later he’s texting me freaking out because the baby just won’t. calm. down. Or the moments when the baby starts to teethe and you literally become a human pacifier, and you have no choice but to nurse 24/7. Or the, "I have to schedule everything around feedings because the anxiety of feeding your kid in public becomes all too real." Do you even know how many times I’ve asked my 8-year-old to grab his baby brother a snack because I’m stuck on the couch nursing?
Do having these feelings make me a bad mom? Of course not. But instead of feeling accomplished that we made it this far, I'm feeling embarrassed that I’m wanting to call it quits because it’s become too much for me to handle.
There are so many countless hours where I feel like I’m not doing enough because I’m stuck with a baby on my boob. These are some of the things I would normally never even dare to share on here because I’m too afraid of judgement and what people may think about me. Do having these feelings make me a bad mom? Of course not. But instead of feeling accomplished that we made it this far, I'm feeling embarrassed that I’m wanting to call it quits because it’s become too much for me to handle.
Breastfeeding is all so beautiful and raw and hard. And for those mamas who do it with so much grace, I applaud you. And to those of you who only breastfed for 1 week, 1 month, or didn’t even bother to try at all...you’re all just as wonderful.
Moral of the story is, don’t be ashamed or too embarrassed to talk about the decisions YOU decide to make for YOU and YOUR babies. You are mom and YOU know best.
