More Than The Number

Words & Photography
by Kerrie Moon



Confession: As a family, we have been going to the gym most every week day evening for the past almost four months. The kids love it, and so do we. That is, until yesterday when I stepped on the scale (something I haven't done in who knows how long, something I've fought most of my life).

I immediately began to tear up and walked as quickly as I could to the locker room so I could weep in private, when my husband stopped me and pulled me aside asking what was going on.

For someone who's suffered from eating disorders, you can understand how triggering a scale can be in your life. And you know what...my weight has not only NOT CHANGED for months, it's GONE UP. Seeing the number was like a cannonball being thrown into my throat. I don't think the number quite registered until hours later when I got to the gym, saw some girl with incredibly beautiful legs, and a beautiful face, a perfectly fitting outfit she wore all nonchalantly, and I just about lost it. I immediately began to tear up and walked as quickly as I could to the locker room so I could weep in private, when my husband stopped me and pulled me aside asking what was going on.

I absolutely broke down as I stood pressed into his arms beside the water fountain saying, "This all feels so pointless, why am I even here? Nothing works! I don't see changes and I'm kicking my ass almost every day. When will this self hatred stop?" I will never forget what he said for as long as I live. "Sweetheart, that number actually means nothing. It only tells you how hard you're falling into the earth. If you were on the moon, that number wouldn't exist. That number is just gravity telling you where you are. It says nothing about here (puts hand on my head) and here (puts hand on my heart)." He went on to say other very encouraging things, but that idea, that we are just a number inside of gravity's force is profound, and I think it must be remembered by us all.

Sweetheart, that number actually means nothing. It only tells you how hard you're falling into the earth. If you were on the moon, that number wouldn't exist. That number is just gravity telling you where you are. It says nothing about here (puts hand on my head) and here (puts hand on my heart).

If you are anything like me, or if you fear that number that flashes back, try and remember this. Try and remember how absolutely undefining (not a word) it is. How that number says nothing about the stars in your eyes. How it says nothing about the beauty in your sleeping face. How it says nothing about what it's like to stand next to you. How it says nothing about how much your child loves you. How it says nothing about what a vision you are with a wildflower dusted into your hair. With this in mind, I am posting a photo, not only with my face right on in it, but at an angle where I totally look pregnant (I'm not!). Because I love this new pink dress with gold buttons and I love my first clipped pink rose of the season and I love myself for being brave enough not to immediately crop out my face.

Try and remember how...that number says nothing about the stars in your eyes...How it says nothing about what it's like to stand next to you. How it says nothing about how much your child loves you.

So all this to say, you are not a number. I am not a number. You are more more more more more more more. More than the number. More than the photograph. More than you can ever even imagine. And hell, so am I.