Here, Now

Words & Photography
by Nicolette Gawthrop



My favorite place to be, in my parenting (or human) journey, is the place wherein, like a smack to the face, I recognize that all the things that my mind sometimes tricks me to believe I am chasing, lay right before my very eyes. I’d like very much if this were the place that I existed at all times, but wouldn’t we all?

I’ve lately been in a bit of a holding place- feeling stagnation, and getting a little ahead of myself. I have been looking ahead with my gaze fixed on things that I know for sure that if I were to allow myself to have tunnel vision, I would miss what I’ve come to this place in my life, with intention, to do.

The invaluable gift of getting to be here for my children everyday, while both mourning and celebrating the impermanence of childhood...is a privilege...

I’ve struggled to hone in on what my wants and desires are vs. the needs of my family, and have battled impatience and have felt a lack of purpose and direction and value. The invaluable gift of getting to be here for my children everyday, while both mourning and celebrating the impermanence of childhood...is a privilege, while it can feel like the most seemingly invisible and unproductive thing to do. Until that smack to the face comes along and it is clear as anything that this is it; I’m doing the thing I set out to do.

I’m looking forward to when the tides change and my body is no longer in such high demand, but I am also clinging to these days. I’m here now. I want to be here now.