In The Mire

Friday, August 9, 2019

Words & Photography
by Elle Celaya



The kids are with their dad at the beach right now and I’m at the house planning...and thinking. Thinking of ideas. Ideas that spontaneously soar like moths searching for the brightest light, yearning for settlement. These thoughts long for breakthrough, for fruition...A solid foundation to begin construction. But the grounds are rocky now, time seems to slip through the glass faster with every breath I take. I’m in the mire. The beautiful and exhausting mire of early motherhood.

I feel I’m losing my former self piece by piece. I can barely remember life before this season. Seeing my former self drift farther away, the melody of her heart song cutting out to white noise with every streaming note. Every once in a while I hear her scream a shrieking cry, a plead to press on, to be strong and dive in to the depths to retrieve her. And then, as tears roll down cheeks, I realize I am her now more than ever. The one who believes she has a calling, the one who has big dreams yet feels inadequate beyond measure. The one who is raising three humans and is being brought to the end of herself with every setting sun.
Every once in a while I hear her scream a shrieking cry, a plead to press on, to be strong and dive in to the depths to retrieve her. And then, as tears roll down cheeks, I realize I am her now more than ever.
Yet, I believe at the end of ourself there is supernatural power. Where we are weak The Almighty is made strong, and when we feel we can go no further, He is there to carry us on eagle wings and bring us to Himself. In these kinds of moments it becomes clear to me that I can never give up on what has been placed in my heart. I’m reminded God has not given up on me. He is only refining me into who he needs me to be for His purpose. He is sharpening me, shaping me into His image. I find so much peace in this reality. His desire is for me to walk along side Him, trust His guidance, and believe His plans for me did not disappear when he gave me my beautiful family. They only grew.

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