A Diagnosis

Words & Photography
by Carrie Huseman



It’s been a little over a year since Crew was diagnosed with autism. I wrote a short essay around that time, perhaps as a way to cope with so much of what I was feeling and holding onto so tightly. I reread it this morning over a cup of coffee while the baby napped. My heart still races when I listen to my one-year-ago self, like it did when I was writing it. Tears still fall when I hear my pain and vulnerability, like they did when I shared it. It’s funny how far I’ve come since then - the acceptance and the pushing on and the good in it all - and yet how quickly such feelings can resurface. I think that ebb and flow will always be there.

My heart still races when I listen to my one-year-ago self, like it did when I was writing it. Tears still fall when I hear my pain and vulnerability, like they did when I shared it. It’s funny how far I’ve come since then - the acceptance and the pushing on and the good in it all - and yet how quickly such feelings can resurface. 

Our days are packed and busy, running from one therapy to the next, and Crew handles it all so well. He genuinely loves the people in his life who are helping him grow and thrive, and I don’t know what we would do without them. He is chatty and happy and finding his place in this world. I am proud of him. It’s hard, yes. Can I tell you that it’s hard? But he continues to be a light on an extraordinary path we never knew would be ours.

I’ve linked the essay in my profile in case you might be on a similar path. Or maybe you are experiencing fear and anxiety in your motherhood journey too. It’s full of strawberry picking pictures and is most definitely out of season, but the words are honest and true.

These squares we share here and the people behind them have become such a place of connection and community for me. Thank you for being here.